Bloorp.

San Francisco for Game Developers Conference, March 4, 2012. Early morning. My friend Danielle and I are sharing a hotel room and we’re fast asleep in our respective beds…

…which suddenly begin to shake. A lot.

The rumbling lasted a solid 30 seconds, but I was so tired that I barely registered what was happening. I heard the rustling of Danielle’s bedsheets, followed by a loud whisper:

“I think that was an earthquake!”

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A few things have caused me to be a little less than happy lately, but the circumstance leading to this picture is most certainly not one of those things.

If you are familiar with the roads near the town of Penetanguishene, Ontario, the above image may not appear to be as out-of-place as it was to me.

En route to Andrea’s cottage, we passed this unusual setup of faded stuffed animals affixed to various sizes of bicycles in single file.

But this wasn’t the original setup, according to Andrea’s friend Anna. Last time, she said, the stuffed animals were placed behind desks as if in school. (Presumably learning how to ride a bike.)

On the drive home from the cottage, we unanimously voted on stopping by the setup to take photos. Anna gladly played along and snapped one of me running from bears that were no doubt gaining on me.

Of course, “not stopping to take silly pictures and continuing on our merry way” was another option.

But where’s the fun in that?

Spotted at the same store that carries the Almost Batman t-shirt.

There are many great things about this product I’d never buy.

Never mind the fact that it’s “made up of best material!!” but it’s also apparently “The best gift for children.”

I disagree with this erroneous statement and would go so far as to say that it’s the ONLY gift for children.

Am I right?

Now without man!

Caption courtesy of my awesome bro.

Snapped at a dollar store in the ‘burbs.

Not everyone can use the phrase “Sometimes I’m so ESL” to excuse some of the regrettable words that escape your lips.

But my friend Rene can. He began his story with that very phrase, mentioning that he was at a bakery with a friend who was scoping out the array of cakes on display.

Rene piped up, “Why are you looking at cakes, you heifer?”

His friend, shocked, said, “Rene! Are you trying to tell me that I’m fat?”

“No,” he replied, genuinely not knowing that heifer was another word for cow because French is his first language. “I wanted to call you a slut.”

That’s not even a fortune. It’s just saying things.

Snapped at Kom Jug Yuen in Chinatown.

Under any other normal circumstance, I’d agree that the term “feisty turtle” is an odd pairing of words.

But I can’t agree. I’ve looked after my neighbour’s turtle Harold (Harold!) on three separate occasions now and I think that has earned me the prestigious title of Turtle-Sitter Who Can Assign Adjectives To Local Reptiles Under Her Temporary Care, along with Observer of Curious Turtle Behaviour.

One night after feeding Harold, I decided to sit and watch for a while. I’d never actually watched turtles for an extended period of time — unlike most of the general population, obviously.

For one thing: Harold yawned and let me tell you, you really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a turtle yawn.

Imagine a turtle having just been woken from his hibernation. He’s been dug out from his underground haven with fresh soil still spattered across his shell and he’s slowly turning his head side-to-side, as if trying to make sense of his surroundings in his sleepy haze.

Then picture him raising his front foot to his mouth and yawning.

But that wasn’t the end.

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At first, I couldn’t help but admire the “ugly sweater” charm of my colleague’s suspenders (never mind that I loved he was wearing suspenders in the first place): birds, dogs…guns…?

Admiration was soon replaced by curiosity upon closer inspection.

“Is…is the dog eating that bird?”

Some things just aren’t as they seem.

When you said ‘Warren Buffett,’ I thought you said, ‘warm butt-fucking.’

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I won’t reveal who said this during lunch at the Whistler Film Festival, but I will give context, even though it could be just as fun and inappropriate to leave it be as I’ve done in the past. (Or the times I probably went into far too much detail.)

A person at my table commented that the chocolate cake for dessert was quite rich, to which someone else piped up, “Rich like Warren Buffett.”

The man on my left looked up for a moment, gave his head a slight shake and said, “…I totally thought you said something else and you really don’t want me to repeat what I thought it was.”

Of course when someone says that, you do want him to repeat it. So he did.  And I thought my hearing was bad…

This might be a weird question, but what does an authentic Chinese bicycle look like?

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A Fredericton cabbie to my cousin Kris when she was on a business trip in New Brunswick last week.

Really? Really? The same cabbie also turned to her earlier and said very slowly, “Your English. VERY GOOD.”