Bloorp.

That’s not even a fortune. It’s just saying things.

Snapped at Kom Jug Yuen in Chinatown.

There is a little bit of the scorpion king in all of us.

—

As spoken and written by my pal Jon, immortalized on the disposable table cover at the Bier Markt in Toronto. And what quote would be complete without careful illustrations?

When I encounter a restaurant that offers a completely unrealistic eating challenge, I can’t help but wonder what deluded masochist would be so ready, willing and able to tackle ungodly amounts of food.

Then along came my cousin Mark.

Mark, he of steak and Jell-O-filled plates. He whose sky-high piled meals cause  paper plates to literally bend under the weight of the food. With his boundless energy and active lifestyle, he manages to keep a trim figure — one look and you’d never guess he could eat his weight in food.

Last month, he came pretty damn close.

It was his sister Kris’s birthday and a bunch of us gathered at RealSports Bar and Grill, where we discovered The Hail Mary on the menu:



That’s right: 67 oz steak. One pound of fries. One pound of coleslaw. One hour.

It began as a joke. He even dared to utter the phrase, “I’ve always wanted to try that.” But as the jokes progressed, they soon become, well, not jokes at all.

Then he spoke the inevitable words: “I’m gonna do it.”

We weren’t sure if he was serious, but he shut his menu with such conviction that we knew he’d made up his mind.

“DON’T DO IT!!!” cried Kris, arms outstretched.

He wouldn’t listen. It would take an hour and a half for the steak to cook, meaning he had an hour and a half to mentally prepare himself. (And you can bet there are pictures…)

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This is my friend Mark, and there’s a very good reason we’re pelting him with rice (and no, it has nothing to do with getting married.)

He’s a survivor of testicular cancer. Last month, he was known as The Guy at Home in His Underwear, having spent 25 consecutive days confined to a loft wearing nothing but his gitch and streamed live à la Truman Show (except he actually knew there were cameras on him). All in the name of raising $50,000 for the Canadian Cancer Society.

On his last day, we gathered outside the loft — unbeknownst to him — to greet him back into the real world as he donned clothes for the first time in 25 days.

This is how it went.

Snapped in the men’s room at Ajisen Ramen in downtown Toronto. Matt came back from the washroom in mid-meal to alert me about the signs, at which point I decided it was imperative to see them for myself.

He stood guard while I snuck into the tiny (and yes, empty) men’s room to take these pictures. One was pasted to the paper towel dispenser and the other above a urinal.

After I had done my business — and not in that way — I made a quick escape, filled with a special kind of glee that only comes from encountering Engrish. Luck was on my side as the washrooms were down a level, so I was in and out and back at my seat before other patrons realized they needed to pee.

Oh, Engrish. How I love you so.

Snapped in the men’s room at Ajisen Ramen in downtown Toronto. Matt came back from the washroom in mid-meal to alert me about the signs, at which point I decided it was imperative to see them for myself.

He stood guard while I snuck into the tiny (and yes, empty) men’s room to take these pictures. One was pasted to the paper towel dispenser and the other above a urinal.

After I had done my business — and not in that way — I made a quick escape, filled with a special kind of glee that only comes from encountering Engrish. Luck was on my side as the washrooms were down a level, so I was in and out and back at my seat before other patrons realized they needed to pee.

Oh, Engrish. How I love you so.

You know what’s cute?

When the neighbourhood husky peeks over his owner’s fence with a stubby paw on either side of his head and stares at all the passersby with an innocent curiosity that really, really makes me want to snatch him up and take him home with me when no one’s watching.

That’s what’s cute.

I am suddenly compelled to watch this movie, despite the neon sign’s warning. Or maybe it’s because of the neon sign’s warning. I haven’t fully decided.

Snapped near Trinity Bellwoods in downtown Toronto.

Oh, come on. That’s not even trying.

Snapped at Queen and Spadina in downtown Toronto.

There’s something about vague fortune cookie fortunes that always make me feel stuff.

Snapped at Kom Jug Yuen Restaurant  in Toronto Chinatown.

Because nothing says stress-free dentistry for humans like a dog with its very own earbuds…?

Snapped on a TTC subway car in Toronto.