Bloorp.

I found a banana in my pocket.

—

It’s not a euphemism. Dad actually found a piece of a banana in his pocket when we were about to leave Cleveland. Grandma, brother and Mom look on with unidentifiable expressions in the background.

…you obviously haven’t met my friend Johanna. I have yet to meet someone whose dreams are as vivid and utterly bizarre as hers. (This also totally beats my Texan friend’s dream.) If any dream analyst types want to take a crack at this one, I’d listen to your theories with great interest.

Johanna: i had a dream you were suddenly with another guy and i was hanging out at some sports park with some short guy that had a thing for you
me: some short guy!
Johanna: and he kept calling you do to see if he could go over to your place. apparently you guys were dating before this “new” guy came into the picture
Johanna: you kept telling Mr. Short that you didn’t think it was a good idea
me: wait, new guy = Mr. Short?
Johanna: no, i never met new guy
me: oh, i was with a new guy, but Mr. Short wanted to come over?
Johanna: Mr. Short and you had just broken up or something and he wasn’t happy about new guy. and kept insisting on going over even though new guy would probably be there.
Johanna: i think Mr. Short was in denial
me: i hope that was his name in the dream
Johanna: i even took the phone from him at one point and you were hysterical. didn’t know what to do about the situation. that you hated what this was doing to Mr. Short.
Johanna: i told you not to worry because i was going to find him a latin girl
me: “i was going to find him a latin girl.”
me: that’s the best dream line i’ve ever heard
Johanna: i told him that after i got off the phone with you and it really cheered him up. he said he wanted one from Panama.
Johanna: so Ms. Panama shows up in a Go Kart and we’re all super excited
me: OMG THERE’S MORE?!?!
Johanna: i decided to leave them alone and went to hang out with my brother and Anthony, who were playing soccer
Johanna: oh yes, there is more

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There’s something about vague fortune cookie fortunes that always make me feel stuff.

Snapped at Kom Jug Yuen Restaurant  in Toronto Chinatown.

Because nothing says stress-free dentistry for humans like a dog with its very own earbuds…?

Snapped on a TTC subway car in Toronto.

While waiting to meet up with Mike last Friday, I stepped into a four-floor HMV with the intention of possibly picking up Super Mario Galaxy 2.

I ended up in the PS3 game aisle first and I wasn’t alone. Nearby, a dude in a black shirt was trying to catch my eye and mumbled something. I thought he was an employee asking if I needed help.

“Just looking,” I said with a quick smile.

He kept looking at me. Maybe he was staring at my Katamari t-shirt.

He spoke again. “What’s your name?”

Before I could say respond, he said matter-of-factly, “I’m Vince. I break dance.”

I stared in silence for a moment. Did he actually just say all those words together? Were they supposed to mean something?

Too confused to say much, I muttered, “Well, that’s a way to introduce yourself…” Then I turned around abruptly and walked away.

I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the air-conditioned building, but I did want to get away from Break Dancer Vince, so I retreated to the second floor.

And before you read any further, you must understand that what transpired next falls into the Only Emily Claire category. If you haven’t already figured it out, this is a crucial bit of information that you will need to know going forward.

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My friend Jonathan in Dallas sent me a message yesterday morning. This is what it said:

I had a dream where I was being pursued by the Canadian border patrol, and you helped hide me at your place. You had a tree-house that I hid in first, and later I hid in your bathroom. When they asked who was in the bathroom, I responded with a fake Canadian accent.

He’s weird, which is mostly why we’re friends.

It really is a miracle that this would remain on a store door for an undefined number of years.

Snapped in downtown Toronto, East Chinatown.

Emily. This is Leo. Andrew said you’re going to bring bubble tea. Where is it?

—

He immediately hung up after that. This is the exact transcript of a voice mail message that my ex-Marine cousin left for me tonight. At least it wasn’t about pancakes.

In any case, weirdness runs in the family.

With a website like that, nothing could possi-blye go wrong.

To quote my friend Evan, “I’m pretty sure there is some sort of subversive art happening within the mind boggling world of Yvette’s Bridal.”

And if you haven’t already clicked on the link in the title, I don’t know what else to tell you. Except that your eyes will probably know what they’re missing, but it’s fun to feed your curiosity, anyway.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Japanese video games, it’s that trying to understand them is an exercise in futility. And I mean that with every ounce of sincerity and endearment I can muster. After all, Katamari managed to win my heart, so who’s to say that another crazy Japanese game couldn’t also do the same?

I know, Muscle March is not new, but I’ve been so preoccupied with addictive iPhone games that I’ve only just now gotten around to downloading this title. The gameplay is as delightfully ridiculous as the above video suggests, while the exhausting enthusiasm of the Japanese voiceover only ups its appeal.

And really, who needs English when diagonally flashing all-caps rainbow-coloured text and dual exclamation points are telling you NICE MUSCLE!! Not me, says I.