When I encounter a restaurant that offers a completely unrealistic eating challenge, I can’t help but wonder what deluded masochist would be so ready, willing and able to tackle ungodly amounts of food.
Then along came my cousin Mark.
Mark, he of steak and Jell-O-filled plates. He whose sky-high piled meals cause paper plates to literally bend under the weight of the food. With his boundless energy and active lifestyle, he manages to keep a trim figure — one look and you’d never guess he could eat his weight in food.
Last month, he came pretty damn close.
It was his sister Kris’s birthday and a bunch of us gathered at RealSports Bar and Grill, where we discovered The Hail Mary on the menu:
That’s right: 67 oz steak. One pound of fries. One pound of coleslaw. One hour.
It began as a joke. He even dared to utter the phrase, “I’ve always wanted to try that.” But as the jokes progressed, they soon become, well, not jokes at all.
Then he spoke the inevitable words: “I’m gonna do it.”
We weren’t sure if he was serious, but he shut his menu with such conviction that we knew he’d made up his mind.
“DON’T DO IT!!!” cried Kris, arms outstretched.
He wouldn’t listen. It would take an hour and a half for the steak to cook, meaning he had an hour and a half to mentally prepare himself. (And you can bet there are pictures…)
Those sitting in immediate proximity to him began discussing Effective Strategies for Consuming Copious Amounts of Food, such as recruiting friends and family to assist in steak slicing to maximize eating time.
Luckily, that form of assistance was not against the rules. Though we did discover that challenge-takers are not permitted to use the washroom while eating and must keep the food down for at least 30 minutes after time is up.
Meanwhile, the Hail Mary arrived for another patron sitting a few booths away. The intimidating football-sized steak was placed before the linebacker-sized man who was much, much bigger than my little cousin, and he immediately dug in.
Unfazed, Mark had the face of eternal optimism, as The Before Picture illustrates: 
He began to focus, and I mean focus — even borrowing my earbuds to listen to music and tune out the world.
The Linebacker ran out of time and still had a sizable portion of food remaining. He’d turned a disconcerting shade of green and rushed past our table, making a beeline for the men’s room.
I’m not going to lie. Skepticism was seeping in. But before I had time to let more doubt fill my mind, it was time…
The timer began and the eating commenced.
He sliced diligently, chewed methodically and spoke to no one. (Apparently no one was actually serious about the multi-slicing strategy.) We cheered, “You can do it, Mark! We have faith in you!” He drew a crowd, albeit a much smaller one than The Linebacker.
The female server keeping time leaned over and squealed, “He’s so little! You’re so cute!”
Matt said, “It’s like watching a bonfire.”
The music played on, for Mark’s ears only.
His hand started to quiver at the halfway point. His chewing slowed down and his intense concentration was wavering as he began showing traces of discomfort.
With less than 20 minutes to go, Mark unbuttoned his shirt and stripped down to his tee. Instead of eating the steak, fries and coleslaw separately, he’d swirled them into a food slurry that looked more disgusting than it sounds.
He needed air. His sister and my brother fanned him with menus and cloth napkins. He let loose a series of muted belches “to make room.”
The situation was grim. The clock was down to the final 10 minutes and there was still food on his plate.
Then, reality set in.
“I probably won’t finish,” he conceded at last, before adding, “I’m still hungry, though.”
Mark did just as well, if not better, than The Linebacker, and he still looked like he could have run laps around the table. He didn’t stop because he was full — he stopped because the remaining portion was unappetizing steak fat. Go figure.
He shook his fist at the unfinished meal, the incomplete Hail Mary challenge.
“Damn you, steak,” he said. “I’ll get you next time.”
Amen to that.
